Greeny News

As a West Ham fan who knows that one of the main reasons the team managed to stay in the premier league last season was due to the skills of goalkeeper Robert Green, I was shocked by his fumble against the USA in South Africa.

It was out of character, and it was also devastating for him, for the team and for the Inger-land fans. The press was, as we might expect, unforgiving.

Green's mistake led to two Sunday red-tops presenting us with the same bad pun (based, lest you don't get it, on the Maradona incident in the 1986 World Cup).

But the criticism wasn't confined to the pops. The Sunday Times, drawing on the Gulf of Mexico oil disaster for inspiration, said Green's spill was one the Americans would certainly not complain about.

The usually nice ex-goalkeeper-turned-pundit Bob Wilson was harshly critical of Green's "basic schoolboy error" in the Sunday Telegraph, though the always nice Michael Owen showed a measure of sympathy in the same paper.

But if Green thought it would be a one-day wonder, then today's papers give more than a hint of what he can expect for the rest of his footballing life (and maybe beyond that).

Rightly, the Daily Telegraph points out that Green - one of Britain's least-known players - is now the most talked-about footballer, and not just in England.

Almost every front page refers in some way to Green's howler. Most carry pictures of him playing golf, enabling headline writers the opportunity to put the boot in with a range of puns.

So we have Putter Fingers (The Sun); "So how many shots did you drop today, Robert?" (Daily Telegraph); "After THAT goal clanger, bet he missed the putt" (Daily Mail); and "Green tries his hand at a whole new ball game" (The Independent). Marina Hyde plays psychiatrist in The Guardian to ask So, Mr Green, why don't you lie back and tell me all about that tricky ball?

The Daily Express page one blurb is somewhat charitable with a simple "England's gaffe goalie puts his troubles behind him", but inside comes the knife: Green finds a ball game he can get to grips with.

The Daily Mirror finds a different way to embarrass Green by claiming that he had let a "stunning model... slip through his fingers", a reference to his having split with a girlfriend just before the World Cup. Headline? Here's one he dropped earlier.

The Daily Star shows an unusual restraint by refusing to take a pop at Green, indulging instead in hyperbolic optimism with the splash heading "Lions are still gonna win it." Oh yeah?

The Times also holds back from heaping front page ordure on the luckless Green. It chooses to offer some sympathy in a leading article that also draws on the oil spill, describing Green as "the man who handled the ball as if it had just been dunked in the Gulf of Mexico and had emerged as slippery as wet soap."

Then it switches analogies to compare goalkeepers with rock band drummers, the people who take on tasks that ensure low profiles and little public acclaim.

Other leader writers are also sympathetic. The Indy argues: "This urge to scapegoat individuals for national sporting disappointments is as unappealing as it is nonsensical."

The Telegraph, in Standing by our goalie, believes that "butterfingers" Green "has shown dignity in humiliation."

The Express asks: "Who'd be a goalkeeper? One mistake and you're a figure of loathing." It concludes: "Spare a thought for England keeper Rob Green who must be feeling pretty desolate. From hero to zero in a split second just isn't fair."

The Mirror speaks up for Green too. Green "showed great dignity and commendable honesty", it notes.

And The Sun, echoing the Star, says: "We can STILL win the World Cup. But not if we allow one goalkeeping bungle to destroy our faith in our team."

It adds: "If you feel inclined to give someone a hard time today, what about ITV? The clowns running their HD channel destroyed the match for 1.5m viewers by switching to an advert just as Gerrard was scoring. By any definition, high or otherwise, that IS a disaster."

So, will I still want to see Green between the sticks at West Ham next season? You bet. Mind you, I'd rather the owners weren't there. But that's another story.