Greeny News

Excerpts from a secret DoSAC dossier belonging to The Thick of It's Malcolm Tucker â€" including confidential emails, Glenn's experiences with Twitter, and Malcolm's briefing on TV interviews

@PULSEFINGER: Glenn joins Twitter

From: Ollie [mailto:olliereeder@dosac.gov.uk]
To: Malcolm [mailto:mtucker@gov.org.uk]
Subject: URGENT: New Glenn Stephen Fry

@PULSEFINGER
HAIKU OF THE DAY: Nicola Murray / Emptiness is shrouded in fear / Stupid fucking cow. [Thanks, Ben!]
Less than a minute ago via Web

PERSONAL: Senior political adviser to Cabinet member, GSOH, non-smoker, late 40s, rugged, fun, WLTM lady 25-40 for "who knows?". "DM" me!
5 minutes ago via web

Some insider smells: Prince of Wales (lavender and spearmint). Kay Burley (pear drops). Rod Liddle (rabbit hutch).
8 minutes ago via web

DM: John, I want to say that cocaine is an anecdote. Can you create Twitterfeed whatnot so it just goes to people who Don 'I know Susie? Cheers.
14 minutes ago via Web

Planning authorities: read small print in new White Paper if you don'twant a huge fucking detention centre on nearest bit of Green Belt.
16 minutes ago via web

FACT: a certain 30-something special adviser at DoSAC was NOT on a fact-finder to Belfast last week, he was getting his end away with a cert …
18 minutes ago via web

Seenleaving Portcullis House with a bag full of Tesco suspiciously "ringing" goods: certain PPS, which is always "just to be sociable"!
23 minutes ago via web

Ha ha we're all calling Treasury Frank's new boyfriend "Black Rod" NB this is not racist as he is black though NB his name is not Rod. [?]
25 minutes ago via web

Hey, "Twitterverse"! Anyone know of a good literary agent? I'm a senior political adviser to a Cabinet member and have a story to kiss/tell.
34 minutes ago via web

Politicians today aren't a fucking patch on those of yesteryear. I once had tea and Bourbons with Harold Wilson. True story. Happy days.
40 minutes ago via web

DM: John, how do I get rid of the messages I've sent that I don't want anyone to read? Also, can I actually email [Terri, say] from Twitter?
42 minutes ago via web

WhichSenior ranks of the opposition is now doubly incontinent and requires cortisone injections before each TV appearance? I know ...
About 1 hour ago via web

Pleaseignore my Teets today, am a senior advisor to a cabinet 2 bit jet lagged three randomly due to drunk drink / change time zone!
7:23 am on June 3 via the web

@TelegraphBlogsWd you interstd in regular dspatchs FM Coalface Wstmnstr? Am Senior advisr the Cabinet mmber & CD make theor "Whiggish".
7:21 AM Jun 3rd via web in reply to TelegraphBlogs

@BBCRadio4 …are "Now Libby Purves..." It is very difficult making a coherent argument for the Licence Fee, never mind Jenni Fucking Murray.
7:08 am on June 3 on the web in reply to BBCRadio4

@BBCRadio4 I write as a senior political adviser to a Cabinet member, to tell you that the most depressing three words in the fucking world
7:06AM Jun 3rd via web in reply to BBCRadio4

@IsraelMFA I am a senior political adviser to a member of the Cabinet of the British Government, and I have to say you have fucked up.
6:49 AM Jun 3rd via web in reply to IsraelMFA

As a senior political adviser to a member of Cabinet I can tell you the mood in Westminster this morning is fucking sombre. More later.
6:06 AM Jun 3rd via web

Testing... Testing. Will anyone be able to see this message, John?
5:56 PM May 20th via web

From: Malcolm [mailto:mtucker@gov.org.uk]
To: Ollie [mailto:olliereeder@dosac.gov.uk]
Subject: Arsethumb

How to do TV interviews by Malcolm Tucker

Sooner or later you will do a live TV interview. You will arrive at the studio where a girl who looks about 15 wearing a headset and carrying a clipboard will rush you down some corridors, saying "We're travelling" into a walkie-talkie. You will be made up by a chatty woman who'll tell you indiscreet gossip about Robson Green and then you'll be there, suddenly, in the studio, in the chair, the hot lights burning you, millions watching you, the questions flying. This is how you handle it.

Speakers
Paxman
He is still my dad. You can 't beat it. When a cocky young sometimes he tried to pop them, steals their wallet, fucks his wife and buys a new refrigerator with their Mastercard.

Gavin Esler
Seems reasonable. People breathe a sigh of relief when they know it's going to be Nice Smiley Gavin and not Death Mask Of Shergar Paxman. Don't be fooled. He fucked George Galloway so hard his wee two-tone beard fell off and he had to sell his shares in fucking Halliburton and Nestlé to get a transplant. Tread carefully.

Kirsty Wark
She's cleverer than you are, OK? Do not forget this or she will make you look like a dribbling chimp with a 2:2 from Loughborough wanking in a tyre to the theme tune from Mr Benn. You're a professional politician, right? You just know about politics. That's all you've ever thought about or cared about because if it wasn't you wouldn't be doing this job, you abnormal fucking freak of nature. Kirsty though, she knows about politics, sure she does, but she also knows about fucking opera and fucking art and fucking Japanese Noh Theatre and films and books and all of that shit that other people get passionate about, but which just makes you reach for the fucking Hansard and a Tunnock's wafer.

Kay Burley
Being interviewed by Kay is, as we all know, like being interviewed by a backward child. That's obviously great most of the time. But occasionally she will throw you a curveball like a child might â€" "Why is there war?" "What is Europe?" â€" and if you can't answer it's you who ends up looking like the thick-as-pigshit chancer.

Adam Boulton
I know you want to laugh, but don't. Really. It just reflects badly on you. Try to pretend he doesn't look like a male Sandi Toksvig with a glandular complaint. (Oh, and you know I sometimes say that you should imagine an interviewer naked in order not to be intimidated? For the love of Christ don't do this with Adam.)

Body language
Look attentive and engaged. No crossed legs. No touching the face. No touching the cock. Don't fold arms. Don't look away when thinking of an answer. Breathe normally. Don't shit yourself. Answer immediately. Don't cough. No stuttering. Don't sniff. Blink between five and seven times a minute â€" no more or less. Maintain eye contact at all times. Make sure you consciously do or don't do all of the above but YOU MUST MAKE SURE you don't look like you're consciously doing or not doing them. And above all be relaxed.

Yes and No
In answer to a question that blatantly requires an affirmative or negative response, you may be tempted by the old-school "start talking reasonably without saying yes or no" gambit. For example:

Interviewer: "Will you cut the money available to hospices?

You: "We have been working closely, and will continue to work closely, with the hospice movement, and Sir Peter Dudderidge himself has said that in real terms the funding …"

You're a cunt, right there. You may as well stop speaking now, everyone hates you. Your mum's watching, she's thinking "What a fuckwad, wish I'd taken Karen's advice, got rid of him at 24 weeks and taken that job doing PR at House Of Fraser."

DO NOT LOOK LIKE MICHAEL FUCKING HOWARD.

The Nicola Murray emails

From: Malcolm Tucker
To: Nicola Murray
Subject: Press
Oh my god!!! I just read your interview in the Observer!!!!

From: Nicola Murray
To: Malcolm Tucker
Subject: Re : Press
Cool! Did you like it?

From: Malcolm Tucker
To: Nicola Murray
Subject: Re : Re : Press
NO.

From: Nicola Murray
To: Malcolm Tucker
Subject : Re : Re : Re : Press
I thought it made me sound like a human being?

From: Malcolm Tucker
To: Nicola Murray
Subject : Re : Re : Re : Re : Press

From: Nicola Murray
To: Malcolm Tucker
Subject : Re : Re : Re : Re : Re : Press
OK! Constructive criticism! Thanks!!!

From: Malcolm Tucker
To : Nicola Murray
Subject : Re : Re : Re : Re : Re : Re : Press
Oh! Ironic use of exclamation marks! Very fucking funny! I bet you wish you'd been born Spanish so you could use twice as many of the fuckers. I'll be popping in for a chat about this debacle soon. In the mean time, I would like to reiterate FOR THE FOURTH TIME that I think you should get therapy. Granted, I was joking to begin with. BUT I'm not joking any more!!!!! Or am I?

No, I M "FUCKING NOT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• The Thick Of It: The Missing DoSAC Files, out 4 Nov (Faber & Faber)